Given the incredibly fast pace of work today, the vast and unrelenting flow of information, and being plugged into work even after leaving the office, it is no surprise that everyone is under tremendous pressure. And pressure must be released. Sometimes that release comes unexpectedly through the expression of strong emotion at work. From my work with clients, it appears that the release of pressure via strong emotion is on the rise.

Emotions are often seen as the enemy. However, emotions motivate us to act and keep us working hard to settle differences. They also provide information that we might not otherwise have. The problems occur when the emotion dictates the way we act in the moment. So how do we deal with emotions in a way that allows us to work with them and, where appropriate, express them constructively?

Acceptance. Accept that feelings are normal and natural. Accept them as your own in the moment. If you believe that emotions are bad and that you need to always be rational, you may suppress or deny your emotions – especially if they are feelings you do not like to admit having. Suppression of feelings, particularly strong emotions, usually leads to leakage or outbursts. Despite efforts to restrain them, the emotions will come out, often in the most inappropriate way and at the most awkward time.

Awareness.

• Feelings usually come in bundles – some are obvious and some are more difficult to find. Fear or shame often hide behind the diva of emotions – anger.
• Become familiar with the spectrum of feelings that are less easy to discover – these include hurt, shame, fear, self-doubt, sadness, jealousy, and loneliness.
• Do body scans. This body awareness allows for early discovery of emotional states before they become extreme. Headaches and aching muscles in the neck and shoulders may indicate panic; a tight chest may signal fear; a racing heart and sweating usually signal anger, and fatigue and slowed speech suggest sadness.
• Identify the beliefs that automatically accompany strong feelings. Others don’t make you feel a certain way; rather, it is your interpretation of their actions that can invoke strong emotions. Being clear about your beliefs will allow you to see the situation more clearly.

Dealing with Extreme Emotion.

• Take a physical or mental break to become a detached observer of your state and the situation — to figure out what you are feeling and why. Find the source. Using the facilities or getting a coffee are great ways to pause the action. Saying “let me think about that” or hitting a mental pause button and going to a peaceful place are ways to take a mental break.
• HeartMath meditation is a very fast and effective way to calm emotions – simply concentrate on your breathing and bring up images of what you love.
• Naming or identifying the strong emotion will, by itself, tend to reduce the feeling and bring it under control.
• Re-naming an emotion can change the intensity and how you view it. Hot feelings, which are less adaptable and rational, can be changed to cool feelings, which are healthier and less volatile. For example, anger can be relabeled annoyance and irritation, depression to sadness, severe guilt to regret, and anxiety to concern.

 Expressing Emotion. Although there is nothing wrong with having emotions, expressing them in inappropriate ways can be damaging and counterproductive. If you decide to express your emotions to the other person, express them appropriately and don’t let the emotions take control. Don’t vent. Be clear. Describe your feelings carefully. Don’t attribute blame or judge– just share. Try to relate the emotional tone to the substantive issue, such as “I am disappointed that I was again passed over for promotion”. If you are able to express your emotions in a constructive way and at an appropriate time, it can greatly enhance your work relationships, rather than destroying or hurting them.

I have some very effective communication tools for expressing emotion and dealing with conflict, and these will be the subject of my next blog. For a more fulsome discussion of this material go to my chapter on the web “Emotion and Negotiation” Part One and Part Two.