I recently conducted a webinar on Dealing with Difficult People and, given the number of people who attended, it would appear that having to deal with challenging personalities may be quite common. So I wanted to share seven key ideas from it. It is totally coincidental that the holidays are just around the corner.
- Your CEO Goes AWOL. Your ability to rationally assess the situation, self- monitor and create solutions significantly decreases during stress due to how the brain works. Those parts of the brain involved in action – flight or fight – become active and inhibit the more rational parts of the brain. When you are stressed out and feel under attack, it becomes more about survival and less about best behavior and rational assessment.
- Style Under Stress. Are you a tiger or a turtle? Do you default to flight or fight mode? It is important to know which verbal style you automatically default to under stress. When dealing with a difficult co-worker or family member, do you retreat and become silent? Or do you speak your mind, cut people off or speak over them? This type of self-awareness will allow you to use a more effective response and curtail your natural tendency.
- Analysis of Emotion. Identifying the emotion evoked by certain people or situations is key to understanding how to deal with it. Anger is the diva of emotions – it often takes centre stage and masks the emotion underlying it. For example, fear, guilt, embarrassment, resentment and frustration can all result in anger. Being able to analyse the situation and your emotional response to it, will enhance your ability to deal effectively with difficult people and stressful situations in real time.
- Identify Your Goals. Being clear about what you want to achieve in a conflict situation or with a difficult person will help you decide which options are available and what actions to take. I suggest mind-mapping your options and responses, as it allows for greater detachment, creativity and ability to see consequences. Once you are clear on your goals and priorities, selection of the best option becomes easier.
- Confronting Challenging People. Once you know your goal, you can decide whether confrontation is necessary. Perhaps the passage of time will deal with it. Or maybe someone will step in to take care of it. If you are junior, perhaps speaking to a senior person about the person or issues you are experiencing will resolve it without the need for confrontation.
- Conflict Communication. If you do need to confront bullies or argumentative people, here are some effective communication structures. Since your primary goal with bullies is to set boundaries on their behavior, you may wish to use the respect/respect structure. “I respect your opinion but you must stop making inflammatory comments”. A similar structure can also be used with argumentative people. Reassure them, but then move the conversation along. “That’s an insightful perspective. We also need to review …” Sticking to specific outcomes and facts, while avoiding opinions and views, will also help reduce arguments.
- Angry People. In dealing with an angry person, it is important to be clear from the beginning what you will and will not tolerate. Don’t deal with the person when they are upset, or you are. Emotions are contagious, so take care not to catch their emotion. If you do, recognize that acting while emotional is not helpful (see Your CEO Goes AWOL above). The communication structure that works well with angry people is acknowledge/plan. “You seem really upset right now. Let’s meet to talk about this when you are less upset.”
One final thing; try not to take it personally. This is very hard to do, especially since many people tend to become emotional from an encounter with challenging people. By increasing your self- awareness, and gaining effective tools, you will be able to see more clearly what is happening in the situation, recognize the pattern in real time and stop blaming yourself. It will also lower your stress, which is always a good thing as we approach the holidays!