What if children were raised beyond blue and pink? What if their natural talents were encouraged, praised, and developed without regard to societal gender roles? What if bossy girls were admired for their leadership ability and sensitive boys were recognized for their emotional intelligence? What would happen?

When I was an undergraduate in the mid-70’s, the nature/nurture debate was raging. The wife of one of my psychology professors, in order to disrupt gender roles, gave only trucks to her daughter and dolls to her son. She told me laughingly that her attempt failed. Her daughter wrapped the truck in a blanket and rocked it like a baby, while her son pulled a leg off a doll to use as a gun. Case closed.

Or was it?

Was this really nature coming to the fore with boys preferring guns and girls wanting dolls? Or were images on the TV (yes, even in those very early days there was TV!) and playing with peers creating gender preferences for which toys to play with and how to play with them?

Research and common sense tells us that gender socialization is rigorous. It can even start before birth, with the sex of the child determining the colour of the gifts bought. Parents, on average, talk less to baby boys and are less likely to use numbers when speaking to little girls. Beginning in early childhood, there are gender rules for the types of activities, games, toys, dress, and colours of clothes that children are allowed to play with and wear. These rules are reinforced in a myriad of ways by many people, including family members, friends, media (such as TV shows, commercials, video games, internet, films, and books), and society in general.  Peer pressure exerts a huge effect as well, with preschool children receiving a cool reception from other playmates when they play in gender-inappropriate ways, such as when boys play with dolls.

So how can a parent avoid the pink and blue gender trap? A parent’s role is already very challenging and difficult — so is it even possible to disrupt gender roles while at the same time preparing children for life in society where gendered expectations abound?

One way to do so is to remove restrictions. Let children play with the toys they want to at each particular stage of development. Provide them with a variety of toys and activities  and let them decide. Or let a boy, if he wants, wear a pink princess costume for Halloween like Justin Trudeau and Sophie Gregoire Trudeau just did with their youngest son. In providing this choice, be aware that there are more benefits than just disrupting gender roles. Boys’ toys have been found to encourage problem-solving, self-confidence, and creativity. In fact, some research suggests that girls may not develop spatial-perceptual skills in the same way boys do based on their type of toys and play activities.

The same choice should be available for development of natural traits and talents that conflict with masculine and feminine norms. A few weeks ago after a seminar, a very successful lawyer told me a story about her daughter. For her whole life, this lawyer had been told she was bossy, and to stop being bossy. She decided to tell her daughter that when her daughter was told she was being bossy, to thank the person and proudly state “yes, I am a great leader”.  Imagine this lawyer’s surprise when the first time her daughter used this advice was with her Nana, the lawyer’s mother. As the lawyer told me the story, I am not sure who was prouder in that situation, the daughter for being able to own her leadership trait, or her mother for disrupting gender stereotypes to help her daughter become a natural leader.

This is a wonderful way to evolve gender roles so they become obsolete. To allow children, to take pride in their natural traits and develop them fully while still being respectful (there was a thank you in there). To allow boys who are told not to be so sensitive, to say “Thanks, I have great emotional intelligence”, rather than feeling shamed for having and showing feelings. Imagine how much better this world would be if boys learn to show tenderness and girls learn to show leadership without being shamed; how they would learn to use and develop important traits that are needed in the world today. Let’s start looking for ways to ensure that out-dated and restrictive gender stereotypes lose their hold, not just on all of us adults, but especially on the children we teach, so that they will be able to live authentically, uniquely and fully. What a brave new world that would be.