As an activator with SheEO, I frequently get emails from young women asking for things they need. How fabulous is this! Women asking for what they need. If you are not as excited as I am about this, let me explain.

In 2003, the book Women Don’t Ask was published. The statistics reported in that book indicated that men are four times more likely to initiate negotiations than women, and 57% of men versus 7% of women negotiate their first employment package. It was this last finding that has been cited as a significant factor in the gender wage gap, and is the basis of the assertion that women don’t ask.

Word has gotten out but things are only slowly starting to change. In a recent Levo 2016 survey, 83% of millennial women agree that it’s important to negotiate an employment package, and believe that they will earn less money over the course of their careers if they do not negotiate their initial job offers. However, only 41% of these women report having negotiated their employment package, and only 21% of the women negotiated any part of their first job offer. So what’s stopping women from negotiating for themselves?

There are two big reasons. The first is a legitimate concern over relational damage and social sanctions. Women intuitively know that there are costs associated with behaviour that runs counter to gender stereotypes. Findings show that when men negotiate for themselves, they are liked and respected, but when women negotiate for themselves, fewer men and women want to work with them. One way to deal with this bias is to name it, question it or correct it. Recognize that asking runs counter to gendered expectations, and mention the expectations. You may even want to mention the gender wage gap. You could say, “You may be thinking I am being pushy in asking for more. However, I think it is important to close the gender wage gap. To have women paid as much as men. Don’t you agree?” Another technique is to play into it – use words that align with gender expectations, such as “we” instead of “me”. Use humour where you can. Each of these bias-busting techniques, along with salary negotiation scripts and tips, are set out in my book Understanding Gender at Work in the chapter Ask.

The second reason is that most women don’t know they can ask or how to do it. This reason is not surprising as most women have been socialized since childhood that it is polite to wait to be given rather than ask for it. I have found that this gender blind spot is held by women at all levels in organizations – even by C-suite executives.  Research shows that when women are told that salary is negotiable – women do as well as men. In my book are scripted examples for negotiating salary and benefits to make it easier, as well as many different ways to ask; some align with feminine approaches, and other are based on the person being asked. Versatility and flexibility are key to being a good negotiator. The chapter Ask also provides questions to allow readers to determine which, if any, blind spots they may have that are getting in the way of being great negotiators. If you would like a copy of the chapter Ask before my book comes out in November, please ask me to send it to you.

This focus on women’s skills and fears is in no way meant to ignore or downplay the systemic bias that supports the gender wage gap. It exists and needs to be changed. However, while we wait for changes at the macro level, how wonderful would it be for women to become the best negotiators they can be for themselves? To have women who are already successful negotiators for others, learning to ask for what they want. To me, it would be fabulous! So, do you now understand my joy at seeing young women asking for what they want?