The early 1970’s were a heady time for women. We were told we could be whatever we wanted to be and do whatever we wanted to do. Almost 50 years later and only a handful of women have made it all the way to the top of corporations and professional services firm. When I started law school in the mid-80’s females comprised 50% of the class. Everyone at the time thought that the sheer number and hard work would eventually result in more women in top leadership positions.

A recent article in The New York Times by Keirsten Essenpreis entitled “Why Women Aren’t CEOs, According to Women Who Almost Were” revisits the issue of why the leadership gender gap has been so slow to close at the very top. One woman’s story in the article really leapt out at me. She said she was unprepared for corporate politics at the C-suite level “where everyone is competing for a chance at the top job”. She described how a man, whose C-suite position she got for him, took a massive swipe at her about her business in front of other C-suit executives by saying “She’s not doing it right”. She was completely blindsided and concluded that women are prey because men know we don’t play the same game as them. And we don’t.

Girls are taught a different set of rules than boys and this difference is seldom more obvious than in the masculine world of business.  Where masculine gender rules operate and the kingdom is male. The result is that women schooled in feminine gender rules tend to be at a distinct disadvantage since they don’t know masculine gender rules. And to complicate matters, often men and women don’t remember the gender rules they were taught as children even though such rules profoundly inform their behavior and judgments.

So what are the gender rules for boys and girls and how do they differ? In my book Understanding Gender At Work I set out in a chart form the various rules and norms we learn as children as well as how these rules can specifically impact women’s career skill development. This does not mean that other factors are not involved in our behavior and approaches. Nor that all women and all men are the same with regard to gender training. However, this information will provide you with a better understanding of the hidden gender dynamics at work – and if you are like most of my women clients – it will help you appreciate and see more clearly how things work at work.

In essence most girls learn that relationships and harmony are key, with power being shared and equal for the group. To stand out or above is a violation of these rules as we are all linked. So how does this impact our behavior? Most women feel a great discomfort talking about themselves – even when relaying just the facts of their position or credentials. This creates a distinct disadvantage in self-promotion or advocating for yourself – both key career skills.

Most boys, in contrast, learn that winning and achievement is key — it provides status. Thus as a male you display power over others and emphasis your status by standing out.  Males rank others in relation to them — they are either one-up or one-down. One woman saw it frequently where she worked and referred to it as an assessment of “who’s who in the zoo”.  This world view prevents most men from asking for directions as it puts them in a one-down position with a stranger – someone they most likely will never see again. Early gender socialization profoundly effects our behaviors, for both men and women, without our knowing why.

Let’s go back to the situation described by the executive. It did not matter that she gave him the C-suite job – his negative assessment of her performance showed his status to influential others. Perhaps because she got him the job he wanted to show he was one-up and not dependent on her. She in turn valued the relationship and she was shocked and hurt that he did not. By knowing gender rules, the behavior becomes clear. Not acceptable but clear. It allows you to better anticipate motive, intent and goals — to see the playing field and the players with clear eyes. To avoid being blindsided. With this knowledge you can play the game consciously by choosing career strategies that suit the situation, your career level and the workplace.